Ep 50: You Know Enough

Welcome to The Mom on Purpose Podcast. I’m Lara Johnson and I’m here to teach you how to get out of your funk, be in a better mood, claim more with your kids, manage your home better, get your to-do list done, and live your life on purpose with my proven method. This is possible for you, and I’ll show you how. You’re not alone anymore. We’re in this together. Hello. Welcome to The Mom on Purpose Podcast. It is so great to have you here today. I am excited to share this topic with you because I was coaching a client, in the last hour or so, I realized that this was something that I used to struggle with a lot, and I just don’t anymore. And it was really cool to hear my client kind of go through a similar experience as we’ve been working together. And so, I hope that as you listen to this today, something will unlock inside of you. So, as we were coaching, she got to this thought. You know, we do a lot of mindset work as well as applicable skill sets, you know, things, tools that you can go and apply to your life. But the thought that she came to was, I know enough, and I just thought this thought was so profound as she came up with it because it’s so easy for all of us to look outside of ourselves to the experts. We seek and yearn for whatever magical insight they have that’s going to fix our life or to teach us how to parent better or, you know, there are so many different avenues that we try and seek out the experts, but I think it’s so important and this is where you know we’ll start, is it’s important to start figuring out what you do know right now. And then starting there, so you’ll know that this episode is for you, is if you find yourself doubting a lot, doubting yourself and the decisions that you make, and then you’ll question the decisions that you make a lot. Or if you consume a lot of content from other people, yes, I know that this podcast is very good, but if you are consuming this without taking any action on things, or if you’re reading a lot of self-help books, or if you’re listening to lots of podcasts or signing up for a lot of programs or reading a bunch of articles, and you are not acting on the things that you’re learning. You’ll also know this episode is for you if you’re not sure how to move forward, and you’ll keep asking yourself like there must be some specific how, like how do I do this? And also, the last thing is if you’re ready to learn, a specific skill for a specific thing so that you can dive in versus like the mindset of, I need to learn it all right now before I even start. Teach me everything all at once. So, when we’re looking at doubt. That’s what we’re going to say. Doubt is one of those that we talk a lot about it. In the Christian culture, as you know, that’s where Satan has the most hold on us. We look at doubt as a way to block us from getting answers to our prayers. And you can’t live in faith if you’re doubting. And so, there’s a lot of beliefs around doubt, and I’m not going to spend a lot of time on those beliefs. But what I do want to talk about are the patterns of doubt, because it is human to have doubt. It is human to feel a lot of complex emotions when you’re trying to work towards something that you want in your life. And the more you start to recognize the patterns of doubt that come, then the easier it is to know when you’re in one of those doubt, spirals, and know what to do about it. So, the first pattern of doubt that I wanted to mention is if you ask, okay, so how do, whatever that thing is, and to be clear, it’s never bad to ask how to do something. I hate going on YouTube and finding the thing that I need to do and finding, like I would rather read an article to learn how to do something to go than go and watch something because I can kind of scan through and figure out my answer very quickly when I’m reading something versus if I have to go watch a video, I have to sit and listen to him talk. I’m very impatient that way. So, I would trust my reading abilities much quicker. But if you’re always asking how to do something you know, that’s a way that we learn. But if you are asking how, you do something and you immediately think, okay, that’s too hard, or you’re like, okay. I think I can do that but then you don’t actually do that. And then at some point, you watch another video, you’re like, okay, well that I’m going to watch another one to make sure that’s how you actually do it. Or you go and talk to someone else to see if they have a different answer or if it’s the same answer. And you’ll just keep asking how over and over. What that really is just a pattern of doubt. Doubt in yourself to do something hard. Doubt that it’s the right answer, and you might waste your time doubting that it’s not going to work the way that you think it will. So, that’s one of the very first patterns of doubt that’s going to creep in, is if you’re asking, how do I do something a lot? But then not even trying to do the thing that you learn. So, the next pattern of doubt is if you’re wanting to know all the things, and this happens all the time in our goals. And because I know, because I’m coaching people just like you in their goals, and so I’ll ask them, okay, so now that there’s this goal, like how do you go about doing it? And every single time their brain’s like, okay, well I have to learn this and then I have to learn this and this. And they’ll tell me like, four very large things that they need to solve for before they can ever reach this goal, which is correct. You do have to learn some things, but what’s interesting is that they want to learn those things now before they even start that goal. And so, they’ll go and research all the things all at once and try and learn it before they even dive into anything with that goal. Now think about this in terms of motherhood and what this actually looks like, that would be like just giving birth and you’re holding a newborn and suddenly you are reading books about potty training. Like you can’t leave the hospital until you know how to potty train this kid. Or you can’t leave the hospital until you know how to help this kid read and write, or you can’t leave the hospital until you know how to teach this kid to drive. It sounds ridiculous when you look at it in that way, but that’s exactly what we do with our goals and all of that is an underlying pattern of doubt that we won’t know how to do the next thing when we get there so, we better learn all the things before we even start. And I will say that this has been why coaching one-on-one for me has been so beneficial. And I see this with my clients because instead of getting stuck in this pattern of doubt. What we’re doing is you’re learning something and then applying it and coming back and evaluating it. Then you’re learning something and applying it and coming back and evaluating it. For the most part, most of us have never really experienced this outside of school. And even then, when we were in school, most of the time we were learning it just enough to try and pass or ace the test. And we weren’t actually learning the thing we were just doing rote memorization so that we could get a good grade. And so, this is why it’s such a hard thing when we’re working towards our goals, whether that be something with a career with school, with the management of our home within motherhood. We want to know all the things from the beginning before we start on anything. And all of that is just a pattern of doubt and it’s very subtle, so I want you to really think about this for yourself when you are trying to do this, when you’re consuming so much information, but you’re not actually applying any of it. Which tells which leads to the next thing. The next pattern of doubt is that if I ask you how to do something, you can tell me all the things to do, but you’re not actually doing any of them. If I ask you how to eat healthy and you can tell me all the ways to eat healthy, but you’re not actually eating healthy, or you can tell me like what kind of mom you want to be, but you’re not actually doing those things. Okay. Again, you know, go back to the one before this. If you’re not doing the things again, it’s just like that pattern of doubt. There’s somewhere underneath that, that you are feeling like you don’t know enough. So, it’s very hidden, this hidden doubt. And what will happen is you will stay in learning in order to avoid doing. I’m an expert at this. To be clear, it’s so much better to learn, okay? All of us would much rather learn than actually go and do, because doing is hard and doing is scary, and doing can be very uncomfortable. So of course, your body will want to keep you learning instead of doing, because there is an underlying theme of doubt that exists. So, I want you to just pull back and I want you to ask yourself a simple question. What do I know? And I want you to stay there for a second. Now, the first thing that will happen when you ask yourself this, is your brain will be like, well, you don’t know anything. Brains are so predictable. I joke with my clients, like I was three into like three years into my business, very successful. I would ask myself like, how do I make money? And my brain’s like, I don’t know. You’ve never made any money. I was like, well, clearly, I have like I have a business. But no, your brain will convince you that you actually know nothing. Okay? Plan on it saying that. Plan on it behaving in that way. I want you to stay with it. Go back to the question. So, take a deep breath. You can even put your hand on your heart and just ask yourself. What do I know? And allow yourself to almost gently walk through like the fields of your brain. Almost like you’re looking around, I do know how to do laundry. And then the next thing that will happen is your brain will tell you, yeah, but you’re not doing it well enough. And I’d be like, okay yeah, I hear you. Okay. Answer your brain. Be like, yeah, but I do know how to do it. And then you kind of walk around, see what else I do know how to be a good mom. What will your brain do? Be like yeah, but you’re not doing it or you could be doing better. Or like, remember that time when you snacked at your kids an hour ago? Yeah. That happened. You’re like, yeah, okay. It did happen. I acknowledge that happened, but I do know some things about being a mom now, and there are some things that I do know how to do really well. Okay, so as you’re like walking around, it’s almost like each time you find something you do know how to do and you communicate that to yourself, your brain will then bring up the doubt again. This is another way for you to see that underneath all of those other behaviors is a pattern of doubt. Okay, so the next thing that will happen is as you’re going through this, I want you just to keep practicing. What do I know? What do I know? Keep bringing yourself back to this because what will happen is you will get comfortable answering the doubt in your brain, and you will get comfortable being able to navigate through those doubtful waters. And the reason why you want to do that is because when you think about your goal, I want you to build that strong foundation of things that you know right now, so that when you move towards your goal, your brain will tell you all the things that you need to go and learn, and I want you to go back to, okay, but this is my goal. What do I know to do right now? And I’m not talking about your five-year plan with your goal. I’m not talking about even the month I’m talking about what is the thing I’m going to do tomorrow that I know how to do. Okay. So, I’ll share an example of this. So, when I started my business, I didn’t know a lot about business. I definitely didn’t know anything about technology. I am one that if you ask me, I will tell you I’m very bad at technology. It is a huge stress for me. It has been one of the things that has caused me a lot of grief as I’ve grown my business. I. Remember the very first video I ever recorded? It was horrific. I have never gone back to watch it. That was like four or five years ago. I’ve never watched it again because it was so, such an awful experience. Okay, so what did I do? I went out and hired all the coaches to teach me all the business things all at once, and I went all in and I was like, okay, this is the answer. I’m going to throw a whole bunch of money at this problem. I’m going to figure this out. Teach me all the things. And I will tell you, it felt like I was drinking from a fire hose, and it wasn’t comfortable. If you imagine drinking out of a fire hose, it was like I was waterboarding myself all the time with so much information to the point where I was completely overwhelmed, and my nervous system was always in this panic, overwhelmed, shut down kind of experience, and that was miserable as well. And it took me a long time before I really started seeing this pattern that what it was actually a pattern of doubt that I didn’t know enough and everybody else knew better, so therefore I needed to go learn from everybody. But when I really started to step back and see, I actually know a lot. And it wasn’t until some people had asked me questions about business and I started talking to them that I started realizing I’m actually doing a lot. I actually know a lot and I’ve really built a lot of confidence and self-trust as I’ve done the things that I know, and it was like this huge aha moment where I had to step back and realize, yes, I have for sure learned some things from all of the coaches and programs that I’ve done. But probably like 80% of it I don’t do because it was so much all at once that it was physically impossible for me to do all the things all at once. But I felt like I needed that when in reality, I didn’t at all. There were a lot of things that I already knew and that I could go and do, and that’s actually how I became the most successful, was doing the thing that I already know. So, how does that apply to you right now? Like you can take that example and use it in so many different areas of your life. I see this a lot in my clients when it comes to parenthood, when they start seeing some of the challenges that are coming up with their kids, where. They’re not seemingly neurotypical things that they’re trying to apply or do. It’s not working. They’re telling themselves they’re a bad mom. You know, all of these things within parenting. So, then they’ll start researching the internet and read, you know, a hundred articles in a night. That’s an exaggeration, but I swear I have done that in the past. Because it feels like we have to read it all in order to figure things out. What we’re doing is we’re not trusting ourselves and we’re looking for the answer outside of us on how do I fix this? How do I make this better? In some ways, that is a very different feel than reading a bunch of articles to find a specific solution because you trust yourself to know that something is off. What it will feel like is very much like a panicked worry feeling where you’re like researching everything and trusting all the experts versus a very grounded in your body, a deep knowing where you’re going to take a couple steps. You’re going to research some stuff, and then you’re going to start applying the things that you’re researching, talking to specific people. This is how I’ve been able to figure out all of my children’s diagnoses, almost always before any of the doctors could give me answers because I had built such a deep level of confidence and self-trust that I knew what I was seeing. Better than they did, and then I could take that information to them, and they were able to help me take a few steps forward. So that’s another way that it shows up. Another way that I see a lot is when it comes to home managing, and this is where I’ve talked about this in the past, where you’re trying to read all the books about how to declutter and then you’re finding all the worksheets on Pinterest on step-by-step, like how you should go through your house, and then you create some kind of system based on something you found on Pinterest, and then you’re mad that nobody else is following it. Again, this is like that panicked feeling of like, I have to fix this problem in order to feel better, instead of saying, okay, what do I know? I know that this is a problem area in my house, and I know this is why it’s a problem area. My kids walk in, they drop all their crap on the floor, and the moment that they walk in, and then I don’t have a floor in order to do the laundry. Okay? So, I use this example because this is real-time. So, I’ve got my laundry on one side of the wall and like a mini mud room. Like hanging things on the opposite side of the wall. And my kids come in and they drop all their crap right there, and then I can’t do any of the laundry and I’m like tripping on it as I go in and out of the car. But what I do know is that there are too many shoes in that area and some of those are like winter boots and it’s summer right now. So, that’s very different than saying, I need to go on Pinterest and find the solutions to fix my mud room. Instead, it’s like, oh, no, I know what the solution is. I am going to go and start cleaning out the number of shoes that are in this area and put away all of the winter clothes because it’s summer right now. But there might be something else within there where it’s like, you know, I actually want better lighting and I don’t know how to do better lighting, so I’m going to seek out that one specific skill, or I’m going to hire someone to help me in that one specific area. Very different experience. Now, there will be times where, yeah, you may go to Pinterest and print it out and work whatever it is that you find, but that’s because you already have self-trust and confidence built, and you found something to support what you already know. This is very important as you are working on the home management side of your house. Okay? Same thing when it comes to discovering your purpose. When I’m coaching clients, I’m never telling them what their purpose is. It’s like this beautiful self-discovery and what’s so cool is that most of them, most of my clients already know. Deep down when they remove a lot of the clutter and they hear their voice that’s always been there. They know exactly what they want to do. They know exactly who they are. Just sometimes we have to go back to the things that we do know. Okay. So, as you’re moving forward, I want you to really practice this skill. Look for the patterns of doubt. It’s very hidden, it’s very subtle. I gave you a couple of things that you can do or a couple of things that if you recognize yourself doing, you know that there’s some hidden doubt. And then the three things I want you to know are when you’re asking yourself, like, what do I know? There are three really simple steps that you can do to get clear on this. The first is to think about your next goal. As I mentioned, this is not your five-year plan. This is like, what is my goal and what do I do tomorrow to support that? This is just while you’re practicing this. Okay, so that’s the first is to think about your next goal and how you support that for the next day, or even today. The second thing you do is to ask yourself, what do I know right now? It’s that simple, and the third step is to go and do that thing, very easy. That’s how you start moving towards your goals and then later on, as you build that trust and that self-trust and confidence, then you’ll be able to seek out people to help you learn specific skills so that you know what to learn and apply next to support yourself in those goals instead of trusting someone else to have all the answers. So, I leave that with you because I don’t want you to make the same expensive mistakes that I’ve taken and putting all of my eggs in someone else’s basket. Now I’m able to really make those decisions for myself and feel really empowered as I make those decisions. And the decisions I am making and the way I’m supporting myself come with a lot of peace and clarity, and focus now than ever before. So, the last thing I wanted to mention is, I don’t know if you have seen, but I do have a new video for you. It’s a very short video, but it is powerful. Now, if you are someone that loves to read self-help books like me, I have found that it’s very easy just as we’re talking about this topic today to read all the books and not do anything. So, I wanted to create a very short video for you of the three things to avoid when reading self-help books. So, if you scroll down to the show notes, you’ll see a link where you can click on that and join that. So, you’ll get the video. But what’s also amazing is that you will also get an invitation to The Mom on Purpose Book Club Calendar. You will be able to click on that link to subscribe to it. So, if you would like to join our virtual book club and know what book we’re reading for the month, you will be able to see it there on the calendar. Even if you can’t make it live in person and you still want to read the book and then listen to the replay on the podcast, you can do that. So, all of that is found, down in the show notes. Click on the link for the three things to avoid when reading self-help books, and then it will lead you to being able to subscribe to that calendar. So, go down to the show notes, click on that to get your free video, and so that you can not only learn what to avoid but also join us in our book club because we have some really amazing books that are on the way. So, have a wonderful week! Thank you for listening. Please share, review, and subscribe to this podcast so we can.