Busy Moms’ Book Club: 12 Rules for Life

Welcome to the Mom On Purpose Podcast. I’m Lara Johnson and I’m here to teach you how to get out of your funk, be in a better mood, and play more with your kids. Manage your home better. Get your to-do list done and live your life on purpose with my proven method. This is possible for you, and I’ll show you how. You’re not alone anymore. We’re in this together. All right. Welcome everybody to the Mom On Purpose Book Club. So today we are doing Jordan Peterson’s book 12 Rules for Life. And I have to tell you that. I loved the book and there were parts that I just like totally glossed over, and I’ll explain that in a minute and why I did that. But what I was really surprised about is typically like when you start a self-help book, it kind of follows a certain flow around it. I found that this book didn’t really have that same similar flow. What it felt like was every rule was its own book. And so typically like where it starts to flow like in a book is, it sets the stage, sets somebody up as an expert, it presents some kind of research or tells a story and then it goes into like the meat of that rule or like in a book and then it like presents the actual steps and then the book ends. I found that it felt like every rule was starting that pattern over again, and I think. I, so I really contemplated do I just go so high level on this, or do I actually want to dive into the meat of it? And so, what I found was that what I really want to do and what my heart is saying, you know, as just a surprise, I haven’t told anybody this ahead of time. I’m actually only going to do six of the rules today, and then on Monday at the same time, I’m going to have a bonus book club for this month where we’re going to do the second half of this book and you can see it. I mean, it’s a pretty meaty book and so I feel that will give us a chance to go more in depth into these instead of glossing over them so quickly, so that hopefully you can get a lot more out of it as you’re listening to this, you know, recording. You’re here on Book Club, so that will give us more of a chance to take some of these tools and apply them to our lives as we’re learning about them instead of just. Speaking from like an umbrella, like high level perspective. And then the other thing that I will mention is that I was kind of surprised. So, this book has really high reviews and that’s something that like as I’m picking books, I’m reviewing some of the reviews and then we kind of just like dive into the book. And at the very beginning of the book, I was sitting at an arcade place, like with my kids and I was reading it. And it seemed like they were trying to defend Jordan Peterson in the book at the very beginning, and I couldn’t understand why Somebody felt like they needed to come in and defend. And I felt like it was different than I love this person. And that kind of it had a very different energy, I felt like in the beginning. I wasn’t really sure about that. So, I did Google very quickly, like, why is he controversial? And I’ll let you guys, you know, go and read some of that on your own. But what I found was that some of the ideas that he had, some of the things he’s done in, like he, he shows YouTubes, he does a lot of interviews. He’s a public speaker. It hasn’t always been politically correct. I’m going to leave it at that because it can be such a wide range, but the biggest thing is I just wanted to apologize if there is someone here or listening to this that is aware of some of the controversy around the author. I do want to apologize if you have taken offense to the fact that we are doing this book, and I will say that. It kind of reminded me of like when we did Untamed, which was so far like from an author perspective, she has like night and day difference in this author Jordan B. Peterson does. But yet we were still able to have a really great conversation and come together and find pieces that we can discuss. And you know, even at that time, like if you weren’t comfortable reading the book, like we could still have a really great conversation. And I hope that’s the case here. That we can still have a really great conversation and we can take some of these lessons and really learn from the things that resonate with us. And if it’s one that you want to skip because you do feel he’s controversial and doesn’t fit with what you believe, that’s okay as well. I totally respect that. So that’s just kind of, you know, high level, a little bit about the author. And now we’re going to just dive into it. So, the first six rules we’re going to go through, and I will explain the ones that felt very controversial. The one, there was one that I was like, yeah, this doesn’t resonate with my body at all. And so, I’ll explain that in a minute. So, the first rule that he presents to us is to stand up straight with our shoulders back. I love that he even says like with your shoulders back, I don’t know if you’ve ever watched Parks and Rec. There’s an episode where this woman comes in and you’ve got April that’s sitting at the desk and she’s kind of like the Wednesday kind of feel like kind of dark and gloomy and has this dark sense of humor. And she comes in and she is I can’t remember what she said. She’s sat up, put her shoulders back. And so, she did. And she was like, whoa. And then her husband comes in and was like, whoa, your boobs look great. And so, it, that’s what it kind of reminded me of yeah, like when you stand, it’s not just standing up, but putting your shoulders back makes you all of a sudden feel like your boobs are like out to the world. But I will say that, so what he presents in the very beginning of this is a story about lobsters. And I’ve kind of felt like this with each rule. Like he would present something and you’re like, I have no idea what lobsters have to do withstanding up straight with your shoulders back. So, what felt very like, disconnected? Like where is he going to go with this? But what he presented was those lobsters, they have a social hierarchy, and they defend their territory. Like to the death. And so, when these lobsters are going head-to-head, what they’re doing is they’re essentially standing up straight to each other and defending their territory. And that becomes their place permanently within the hierarchy, within their society essentially. And then he, you know, then goes on and talks about birds, and birds do something similar. So, what he says here is that the way that we present ourselves, the way that we exist actually starts like in our mind. Our mind is always working on assigning ourselves a value and the status on where we lie within society, which is very interesting. What’s interesting about this is that someone, for example, which may have a lower value and status within society. They may be, you know, considered weaker. They may be bullied. But they are also bullied because they are unwilling to fight back. And I was thinking about this with my kids, and you know, where my children are so literal with the way that their brains work and how much I’ve had to be very concrete with them on, if someone is picking on you, fight back. Don’t allow them to continue picking on you. And I’ve really thought about like, why do I do that? And. For me, a part of it is because as a woman, like you have to know, like it’s not okay if you say no, like consent and dates and you know, all of that. And I want my son to know too. If someone says no, it’s no. But if they continue to push, you need to know to fight back. And where my kids are so literal that like you never fight back. I knew that I had to draw that line in the sand, and so it was interesting that as he was talking about, like bullying, for example, on where someone’s unwillingness to fight back. Can actually it seem like a really morally good thing, but what it can do mentally is you start to lower yourself and allow someone else to be dominant over you and then you start to lower your value and your status within society. But he also goes on to say that sometimes the bullying. Ourselves and we’re bullying ourselves and we’re unwilling to fight back and stand up for ourselves, against ourselves. And so, it’s important to recognize that sometimes we are our own worst bully, and we need to learn how to stand up and put our shoulders back and allow ourselves to have that value and that status within our own mind, not just within society. So, he goes on to say, this is on page 27. I just wanted to mention this too. He said when people refuse to have that self-protective territorial response, they’re not able to stand up for their own rights. And sometimes they’re like really shocked when other people take advantage of them. And he said that people like when you start to slump around, people will assign you a lower status just like the lobsters do. If somebody backs down. And when that starts to happen, your brain. Produces a lower amount of serotonin, which is a chemical within your brain that helps you feel better. And so even just slumping down has a physical reaction to your body. And I was thinking about this in terms of it sounds so silly, but Breastfeeding, like I felt like I was always kind of slunched over or like working at my desk. I like being cozy, but then I kind of slung over and I’m saying it’s, you know what I mean? It’s like that’s what it feels like is, it feels like it’s not just slump, it’s s lunch in my body. But it goes on to say, if you slump. Shoulders forward and rounded, chest tucked in head down, looking small, defeated and ineffectual protected in theory against attack. From behind, you will feel small, defeated and ineffectual. Ineffectual, excuse me. So, he’s essentially saying that’s a really actual like real thing that when you start to slump down, and you feel that. That small defeat you’re actually producing that result in your body, which is kind of crazy to think about. So, then he goes on to say, standing up means voluntary, accepting the burden of being, being with a capital B. So, he comes back to this. This would be like the life or the soul that gives you life. That is your being with a capital B. And he talks a lot about that. In the book says, your nervous system responds in an entirely different manner when you face the demands of life voluntarily. You respond to a challenge instead of bracing for a catastrophe. And when I really think about that for myself, like what a huge deal like that is I can feel that so much. You know, when I talk about like growing that capacity for joy. You’re kind of always looking over your shoulder for the next shoe to drop. What you’re doing essentially is lowering your value and your status. You are bracing for that catastrophe to happen, and your body is actually having a physical reaction, and it’s lowering your serotonin within your brain. Which lowers your happiness and your joy. So, it’s just a really cool way to think about how your nervous system and your body and your brain are responding. She said, so attend carefully to your posture. Quit drooping and hunching around. But then he goes on to say, speak your mind. Put your desires forward. As if you had a right to them, or at least the same, right to others. Walked tall and gazed forthrightly ahead, dared to be dangerous, encourage the serotonin to flow plentifully through the neuro pathways, desperate for its calming influence. So, I just really appreciated that he then took it, you know, one step further, that it’s not just Standing up. And I remember learning this in my speech class in high school. It was like, stand up, look out, speak out. And I’ve just always like really had that in the back of my mind. And as I speak my mind more, not only am I. Creating that, that status, you know, within society. But what I’m doing is elevating my own value within me, and I’m giving myself a right to my desires. And so, I, I really loved that rule. So that’s the first one that he presents to us. So, the second one that he presents is treat yourself like someone you’re responsible for helping. It was just interesting to me on this one on. Well, let me just tell you what he kind of starts out with. He begins the chapter by talking about how the biggest problem that physicians and pharmacists have is getting people to take their medication, like the statistics are staggering low for people that actually follow through on taking all of their medication. And it just, it made me laugh because that’s me like that it’s me. I know it is if I can make it three fourths of the way through an antibiotic, I’m doing really good. Same thing with my kids. So, when I take my cat to the vet, and they tell me, you know, there’s this higher cost to give them a dose once and it will last in their body for two weeks. I’m like, yes, do that. Like, where’s that for me? But what I love is he goes on to then talk about how I. People generally, statistically speaking, will do that for their pets. They are more likely to follow through on caring for and giving pets their medication than they are for themselves. Says people are better at filling and properly administering prescription medication to their pets than themselves, and then he just says, that’s not good. So, he is just very blunt. It’s true. Like when he really lays it out like that, it makes so much sense. But he goes on to say, “how horrible is that?” How much shame must exist for something like that to be true? What could it be about people that makes them prefer their pets to themselves? And that really hit home for me because, okay, so then let me continue. So, then he goes on, and it was really interesting. He had a lot of information about like Old Testament, New Testament, and presented it in a way, That I guess I understood, but I didn’t totally grasp, like he, he presented a lot of it in a way that I’d never really thought about. But what I liked is that he takes that, you know, like the problem, like why do we take our care of our pets better than we do ourselves, and then goes and moves into the old and New Testament again. You’re like, how is this all connected? But what he talks about as he enters that; is he talks about like the internal drama that almost all of us have that creates that shame on why we don’t like ourselves as much as our animals. So, he begins to talk about like a high level of two very important principles that we learn about in the Old Testament, in the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. So he talks about within the Garden of Eden existed order, it was explored, territory is what he called it. Everything was the way it was. And he comes back to this, you know, quite a few times. A lot of actually biblical examples he uses. But then he goes on to say, but then there’s also. Chaos that exists. And I think that before he started talking about these in the book, I had a very negative connotation, a very, you know, distinct reaction in my body when I think about chaos, because I think about it negatively. We all want order within our house, but he actually argues that both need to exist in order for us. To come to love ourselves and to be happier and to take care of ourselves. And I’ll explain that in just a second. But what he explains here is chaos is freedom. It’s so interesting to put these two words side by side because one feels very negative based on the way that I’ve always thought about it, and one feels very positive for my brain. And so, what he continues to talk about, he said order. Is the place where the behavior of the world matches our expectations and our desires. He says, where everything is certain we are in order, and everything is going according to plan, and nothing is new or disturbing. It’s very stable, it’s very calm, it’s very competent. This is like the stability of our marriage. And he said, what’s interesting is that suddenly like you take order to the extreme and you have things like. Tyray and Nazis and communism and like all these things because it is only order. And so that was kind of interesting to think about is that we all crave that certainty. We all crave things to go according to plan. And I will say that one of the number one thing that I coach on with my clients is that They have the life that they want. They are the mom and they’re oftentimes, they’re married, they’re happy, they have the white picket fence and the dog and the house, and you know, all the things that they want dreamed about their house or their lives. Follow a kind of a structured order, but yet they long for spontaneity. They long for adventure, they long for something else because they don’t yet have that balance of chaos in a good way. Okay, so he then goes on to talk about like, why is chaos like a fundamental element that we are meant to experience? So, he goes on to say, chaos is the new place and time that emerges. And it’s like when something unexpected starts to happen and the way that we handle that will determine. Whether this chaos can actually be a really good thing. So, he says, you know, too much order is not enough to produce like a happy life, but chaos. If it’s too much chaos, that can be too overwhelming. So, it’s creating this balance between the two. So, he goes on to say that in the past, traditionally speaking, order is much more of a masculine energy and chaos is much more of a feminine energy. Then he goes on to say that chaos is possibility, the source of ideas, the mysterious realm of gestation and birth. It’s like the creative side of all of us that wants to come out. And it’s so cool, like when I’m coaching my clients, when they realize that they have all of this that wants to come out and they start giving space for it their lives they start to value themselves so much more. Their lives are so much richer and more fulfilling, and that’s because this is starting to come into this balance together, like the yin and the yang is what he talks about. So, he said, in order to straddle the fundamental duality is to be balanced, to have one foot firmly planted in order and security and the other in chaos, possibility growth and adventure. So, then he goes on to talk about the Garden of Eden and how you would have to read this chapter. He goes into in depth, into Eve’s decision about taking. The fruit and Adam’s decision to throw her under the bus and how you know, like she was tempted and like she, she was tempted by the serpent, but then Adam just goes out and blames it all on her. So, he kind of calls that out a little bit as fundamental weakness, I guess. But what he does go on to talk about with that, Is that because of the shame? So, you know, after they took the fruit and they covered their nakedness and they hid from God when he came back to the garden, that there was, you know, shame that was introduced and they went into hiding. And what I loved is that he talks about this. He says, perhaps it is. Instead, our unwillingness reflected in Adam’s shamed, hiding to walk with God. So, as he’s talking about order and chaos, what he is inviting us to do in order to create this balance is to walk with God. And the more that we are willing to walk with God, the more we are able to see ourselves as someone valuable enough to take to care for. And what I love is he says, if we wish to take care of ourselves properly, we will have to respect ourselves. But we don’t because we are not least in our own eyes, fallen creatures. If we lived in truth with a capital T. If we spoke the truth with a capital T, then we could walk with God once again and respect ourselves and others in the world. Then we might treat ourselves like people that we cared for. And I just think that’s really beautiful. He goes on to talk about our spark for divine since we were created. In God’s image, since God is a part of us and when we have that willingness to walk with him, what we’re doing is we’re sparking the divine balance that exists between order and chaos because. Chaos had to exist for God to create the world. There was that creativity that was birthed out of him in order to create it, but he also established order. So, the more that we start to value ourselves or the more we start to walk with God, the more we start to value ourselves and the more we start to value ourselves. The more we start treating ourselves like someone you’re responsible for helping. And so, I really appreciated how he’s, he talked about that spark of divine and how we really have that chance to step up to the plate. So, he offers us just one question, you know, before we move on to the next one. And I really like this question that I wanted to leave with you on this. Rule. He said, you need to consider the future and think, what might my life look like if I were caring for myself properly? You need to know where you are so you can start to chart your course. And in order to be able to do that, you need to know who you are and once you start understanding who you are, you start to trust and be able to motivate yourself. And so, he invites all of us to really explore on that deep level, to walk with God, to really see who we are. And of course, you know, that’s so much of what I teach and coach on the podcast. And so, I, I loved that he really spoke about that. Okay, so the next one that he talks about is being friends with people that want the best for you. So, in this rule, he shared a personal example growing up in Alberta. And in Alberta, he grew up in a very small town. He talked about this friend; he is called Chris. And Chris had a younger cousin named Ed. And so, they all kind of got in, not trouble necessarily, but they weren’t really going anywhere in their lives. They spent a lot of time with alcohol, with marijuana, you know, all of these things. But at some point, this group of friends had all dropped out of school and some other friends had moved in and he said, you know, thankfully he stayed in school and so he started making friends with other people, which started to elevate his life. And because they started to elevate his life and he on theirs they started wanting better things, bigger things to be able to do more than just to sit in a small town and drink alcohol. So, he said at one point, I. You know, they came, and they visited the city and there, it was Chris’s cousin Ed that came to visit him in the city, and he was shocked at how nothing had changed. Ed even brought it like a friend that was completely stoned the whole time and he said that it. It was heartbreaking for him to see how their lives never changed trajectory and he wanted to help them but knew that he couldn’t. And I love it as he introduces the next section of this, he said, he just calls it rescuing the damned. It says sometimes People choose friends who aren’t good for them for other reasons. Sometimes it’s because they want to rescue someone. And I, this one hit home, I’ll be honest because when I think back to the patterns of my life, that very much was the case with guys that I dated. And I think we all have maybe gone through that in our lives. And I noticed that even when I started my business, like my very first niche was really resonant to those that like, I wanted to rescue the damned essentially, and I’ll explain that in just a second. But it, he goes on to talk about like, why are some of the reasons that like we attempt to pull someone. Up, even though it might be further bringing us down. He says, maybe you are saving someone because you’re a strong, generous, well put together person who wants to do the right thing. Which I think we all want to think about ourselves. But he goes on to say, and this is where, you know, I think some of us, all of us might feel a little called out in some way, said, but. It’s also possible and perhaps more likely that you just want to draw attention to your inexhaustible reserves of compassion and goodwill. Or maybe you’re saving someone because you want to convince yourself that the strength of your character is more than just a side effect of your luck and birthplace. Or maybe it’s because it’s easier to look virtuous when standing alongside someone utterly irresponsible. That was like, That’s it. That could feel really harsh, like when we really stop and take inventory of yourself. Like why are you doing the things that you’re doing? And for me, I know in the past, like I wanted to help people, I. But why did I want to help people? And there were times where it felt good being next to someone that maybe didn’t look as responsible, and I could be the responsible one because I didn’t have great self-esteem for myself. I love that he said the side effect of your luck and birthplace. Like we want to say that. Yeah, I’m here because I worked really hard and I’m good. But in reality, like I’m also here because of where I was born in the family, I was raised in. And my life is very much shaped because of luck and the place that I was born and raised in. And that’s like really hard to stop and think about too, you know, to take responsibility for some of those things. And then also Some of us want to draw attention to ourselves and always be exhausted by helping people because that’s what we’ve been told is good in the sight of God is to always be serving, but then we’re trying to look good in the sight of God and draw attention to ourselves even if it’s subconsciously. And so, when he really calls us out on this and I think it’s, if as I read that if. All of a sudden you felt like, oh no, that’s not me. I would really invite you for just a second to explore that a little bit further. You can go back on repeat and listen to those and really allow yourself, like, how could this be true? And I will say, in my experience, more often than not, if I immediately put my wall up and think, oh, that’s not me. I’m like, brush it aside. Almost always, if I go back and I sit with it and I ask myself, how could this be true for me? I always find some areas of growth. So, I will say, and I wanted to explain like how we know, like where we’re at with someone and where they are because he even talks about, you know, having those friendships that are really good for you and people that want the best for you. And we do want to serve people around us. And so, I’ll share just briefly how I kind of came to terms with that. For myself. So, when I started my business, I kind of looked at, you know, how do I want to market to other people? And in the beginning, it was like I wanted to market to the angry moms. I was like, the moms that are just like so burned out, they’re frustrated, they’re having a hard time getting out of bed. They were what I call the angry moms. Okay. To be clear, all of these moms are valuable, and all of these moms deserve help. I could not be the one going and getting and dragging them out if they did not want to. Okay. So just to be clear there, but then it got to this point where I was like, okay, so these angry moms aren’t ready to be un angry. So, I’m going like, what’s the next version of it? And that’s where it came to Unhappy moms. Okay? And then I could see, all right, so they’re just, you know, a little off in their life, but they’re so overburdened with time, with circumstances that they’re not even considering one more thing to do, which is again, totally okay. But what I realized was the next shift from that was, who am I talking to then? And it was the moms that wanted help. So, they may have been, you know, unhappy, but they may also be settled and unsettled and they’re wanting some kind of help. I. It didn’t just stop there. It was, I realized more than that they wanted help. They were ready for help. And so, when I think about this in terms of what the author Jordan Peterson is presenting is, I’m thinking about this in terms of like my friends or guys that I’ve dated. I have built very strong relationships based on anger, meaning like we shared things that we were angry about and built our relationship on that. It was fine. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, and over time those started to evolve and to shift and to drop off. But then I’ve also I’ve been friends with people everywhere along the way, but I will say my deepest, truest friends are those of us that. Aren’t just ready for help. Like I’m, I outlined this in terms of my business, but that are ready for a relationship that are ready and in a healthy place to be a support, but to also be comfortable in their own skin so we can cheer each other on and want the best for each other. And so, I would just invite you, you know, to take a look and do like an inventory almost of some of the relationships in your life. Do you both want the best for each other? And can you want that for each other without diving into being envious and being frustrated or almost having that frenemy type energy. And I know you know what I’m talking about because you can probably think of someone right now that’s always trying to one up you. Okay? That’s kind of what I’m talking about. So always have friends, always be friends or make friends with people that want the best for you. And if that’s not where you’re currently at, that’s okay too. I really invite you to go back I think it was a couple episodes ago, about who’s in your village on the podcast and I talk about how you can start building some of those relationships and creating that village of support for yourself. Alright, so then the next thing that he talks about is compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to someone else’s today. So, he goes on to say that a long time ago it was easier for people to be good at something when more of us lived in small rural communities. Because within that small rural community, you had very few people that you were comparing yourself to, and everybody kind of had their own domains the local heroes in certain areas. And it was kind of, divvied up a little bit more, he said, but our hierarchies of accomplishment are now dingly vertical. No matter how good you are at something or how you rank at your accomplishments, there is someone out there who makes you look incompetent. So, he talks about how we live in bigger cities, how with social media, suddenly you have billions of people to compare yourself to. So, what you’re doing is mentally you’re stacking the cards against yourself because there will always be someone else out there today that is better than you are in some way. That can. So, then he goes on to say, inside us dwells a critical internal voice and spirit that knows this. It’s predisposed, it’s predisposed to make its noisy case. It condemns our mediocre efforts. Worthlessness is the default condition. And so, then he goes on to say maybe its comments talking about this inner critical voice is chatter and not wisdom. And I really love that he mentions that because so often we believe the inner critical voice within ourselves that we are constantly comparing ourselves to someone else’s today. And we think that it’s wisdom. We think that it’s serving us in some way, when in reality is just chatter. It’s just background noise. And the more we give that chatter, the microphone, the louder it gets, the more we start believing it, the more worthless we start to feel. The more our lives will start to crumble and fall apart. So, if we’re really wanting that, that antidote to chaos, or if we’re wanting to live in that balance of ordering chaos, it’s important for us to take back that microphone and not see that at Chatter as wisdom, but just the inner critic, the mean inner critic within ourselves. So, then he goes on to say, he said, as far as like the inner critic goes, when you’re starting to compare, he says this is how the inner critic works. He says, first it will select a domain of comparison. Maybe it’s fame or power. I would even add maybe it’s body shape how well kids are behaved, how much money you have, what your house looks like. Okay, so that’s the domain of comparison. Then it acts as if that domain is the only one thing that is relevant. Then it contrasts you unfavorably with someone truly stellar within that domain. And then it takes the final step to use that comparison as evidence for the fundamental injustice of life. So, let’s break that down a little bit more, because it’s really powerful. So, it picks a domain, then it’s then that domain is the only relevant thing. Then it compares you to someone extraordinary or truly stellar in that area. And then it uses that to prove the injustice of life. Now, when you think about all of the domains that we, that I mentioned, that’s a lot of domains. Even when you’re looking at how well your children behave or what kind of grades they get, you have no control over that. But if you’re using that to suddenly create the injustice of life within your own brain, gosh, that’s a lot to take on. And so, what he invites us to do is not to force ourselves on this inner critic down. It’s learning how to work with this inner critic. And what I liked about this is it’s so similar to what we talked about in our last book club where we talked about the thinking and the feeling brain, and how our feeling brain will feel something, and then our thinking brain will start creating evidence on why it’s okay to feel that way. Because of the injustice of life. So, if we really want to work with both sides of that brain, then we have to learn to be nice and not demand obedience from our feeling brain but learning how to work with it. So, one of the things that I liked that he said is, consult your resentment. It’s a revelatory emotion. And he goes on to say, resentment always means two things. Either resent the resentful person is immature, in which case they should shut up, quit whining and get on with it. Or there is tyranny afoot, in which case the person subjugated has the moral obligation to speak up. And he goes on to say sometimes that tyranny is yourself. Kind of what we talked about before. And I love that he said that that resentment, like really consult with it. Are you being immature or are you being a tyrant to yourself and not treating yourself very nice. And you’re like, trying to arm wrestle and get yourself into obedience to do whatever you want to do based on, you know, the comparison and the injustices of life. So, he then goes on to say, it’s important for us to start taking stock and doing well, I love the example he used. He says, if you’re ever going to buy a house you hire an inspector to come and tell you all of the flaws. Is it like a, because he’s calls it a cosmetic imp perf. Imperfection or a structural inadequacy because you don’t know how to fix something if you don’t know that it’s broken, and you won’t know that it’s broken if you don’t hire an inspector. And so, he invites us to do something very similar to ourselves and that’s an invitation that I leave for all of us, is to go and truly take like a deep stock on where are our inadequacies, where are the things that. And not from a shame place, but from a total curiosity, a place of love, a place of working with your feeling brain, and being okay with the fact that like you’re not going to compare yourself to someone else’s stellar, but that you are just taking stocks so that you know where you want to go in the future. He says, “A little careful, kindness goes a long way. And judicious reward is a powerful motivator. Talking about being kind to yourself and being able to move forward. The other thing that I love that he says is to aim small. I. And I think we forget this. I forget this. My clients forget this so often we want to dream big. We, you know, the phrase, and we’ve talked about it on the podcast before, where it’s like there’s no growth in the comfort zone. And so, we throw ourselves so far out of our comfort zone with all these big dreams that our nervous system actually shuts down. And then we’re back to this. And then we think there’s some injustice in the world. No aim small. Get really comfortable within your limited talents that you have and start to work to grow from there. Like really take responsibility when that resentment starts to come up. Take responsibility for the actions that you have, and that’s where you’re going to start, you know, moving forward. So, he does say these are three questions that he leaves for us, and I really love these. He says to pay attention, like after you’ve taken stock and you’re starting to aim small, he said, the next thing is to pay attention, and he gives us three questions to review. What is bothering me, what is something I could fix, and would I actually be willing to fix it? If you find that the answer is no to any of these questions, then look elsewhere. Aim, lower search until you find something that bothers you, that you could fix, that you would fix, and then fix it. That might be enough for the day. And he says, as you continue to do this, you know, over years and years, your entire life starts to change. But I love those questions that he presents to us because sometimes we’re so good at finding what we could fix, but we’re not willing to fix it. So then aim lower, until you have an answer of yes, I am willing to fix whatever thing that’s bothering me. Okay, so then the next rule that we have, Is rule number five. Don’t let your children do anything that makes you dislike them. So, I hope that just me reading that you can kind of get a guess on the fact that, yes, this is the one that I don’t like at all. Like the one rule that. I think the way he talked about it; I had a full body rejection. So, I do apologize that I will read a couple things from this chapter, but if it’s something that you want to read, I will not be presenting it to you. You can go read it on your own. So, I do apologize that you’re going to have to go and read this chapter on your own if you really want to talk about it. But I think the thing that bothered me the most in this chapter, it does not take into account different brains, and as someone with special needs children, The things he was talking about in here were so against the parenting beliefs that special needs children actually need. And yes, they are going to have behaviors that you do that you dislike, but it’s on us whether or not we like our children. And so, I had a really hard time, as he was talking about it, he had some really distinct things that I’m like, no, that is not okay to do. And he even talks about the modern parent won’t agree with these. And I’m like, yes, I don’t agree with them. And that’s within my own right to disagree with them. What was, oh, this was like, he had a couple of, like these one-liners that I just was like, this is horrible. Poorly socialized. Children have terrible lives. I was like, okay, have you ever met an introvert? Have you ever met a special needs child? Like they will look poorly socialized, but it doesn’t mean they’re going to have terrible lives. He goes on to say if a child has not been taught properly by the age of four, it will forever be difficult for him or her to make friends. Like the, it was so like, yes, but there were a couple things that that I will mention. And again, these are my thoughts on it, and I usually try to present the information very neutrally. I had a very hard time trying to even find a way to present this neutrally for you because I had such a full body response to it. But that doesn’t mean that you have to have a full body response to it. So, I will leave that up to you. But one of the things I did want to mention is that there is an author, like he’s talking about behavior in this entire chapter, and that if your children behave in a certain way, you will dislike them. But based on the information and the research that I have done for my own special needs children there is an author named Ross Green. He writes The Explosive Child. It’s a fantastic book. I would recommend it to any parent whether you have special needs, children’s or children or not, but he says behavior is communication. And that is like the biggest thing that I struggled with in this chapter is that he talks. So, Authoritarian regarding behavior that he’s actually missing the communication that can happen with a child, even a very young child. But one of the things that I did appreciate, and this is, you know, I try and find things, you know, that I. That I can look for is he does talk about limiting the rules and finding what is that baseline of rules and being able to stick to almost like those standards, limit those. And I will say that like for the longest time in my parenting, I kept adding rules. To the point where I had a very long list of rules because I knew if we started crossing these lines, I could, it was like I could see the future. So, I was trying to stop it ahead of time. And he does talk about the overprotection of children and not allowing them to make mistakes and to get in trouble and, you know, all of those things, which I could see in my own parenting how I had to scale back and limit the rules and give them more autonomy. But he also says, you know, in doing that, you have to cut their behavior off. And I’m like, so I felt yeah. So, I’m just going to leave that there. But I did like that he mentioned that limiting of rules and being able to figure out for yourself and for your family, what is it there that you want to keep as a standard within your home? For us, we treat each other very respectfully. That doesn’t mean we can’t yell at each other. That does mean we don’t physically harm each other. Insults, you know, that kind of thing. Okay, so then the last thing, so the last rule that we’re going to be talking about today is set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world. And I love that he uses the word order. I just think it’s funny because he talks about the balance of order and chaos. Let’s be honest, like sometimes our houses are a little chaotic and that’s an okay balance. So, he goes on to talk about. How interesting. So, he talks about you know, people like religious fanatics that feel like the only answer is to kill everyone and to give the earth back to the animals and how they become very critical of the world. They’re yet to actually take responsibility and put their own house in order and recognize how many problems they’re having on their own. So, he talks about you know, some of the natural disasters, for example, where like our natural disasters, are they the fault of God or is it because we haven’t paid sufficient enough attention and put proper. Things in place in order to protect ourselves against that. So, he says a hurricane is an act of God, but failure to prepare when the necessity of pre preparation is well known. That’s a sin. And he goes on to say, if you’re suffering is unbearable, however, and you are starting to become corrupted, there’s something to think about. How can you clean up your own life? And the very first thing he says is, start to stop doing what you know to be wrong. And that. I think that phrase, and I’m going to read it one more time, start to stop doing what you know to be wrong, and I think that’s really important as he mentions like getting your house in order is it’s important for us to allow our soul to guide us through this process. There are things that we know to be wrong that we start to ignore, and then we start to get resentful, and then we start to blame God for the injustices. When in reality there is plenty that we know that we could change, that we are not taking responsibility for ourselves and going about and changing those things. And so, what he mentions here, and I do think it’s. It’s just a really good list of questions. He says, are you working hard on your career or are you letting bitterness and resentment hold you back and drown you and drag you down? Have you made peace with your brother? Are you treating your spouse and children with dignity and respect? Do you have habits that are destroying your health and wellbeing? Are you truly taking responsibility for that or are you putting it on something else? And so, I, that’s where I really just. Want to it. Well, and even says, you know, are you stopping saying mean things to yourself and feeling weak and ashamed all the time? You know, going back to some of his other rules. So, this is where we can really stop and take an inventory for ourselves. He says, set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world. And he said, as you let your soul guide, your head will start to clear up. You’ll stop filling it. With lies, your experience will improve. You’ll stop distorting it. With inauthentic actions, you will then begin to discover new and more subtle things that you’re doing wrong. Stop doing those things. After some months and years of diligent effort, your life will become simpler and less complicated. You’ll be untangled. You’ll untangle your past, you’ll become stronger and less bitter. You’ll move confidently into the future. And I wanted to just leave that, you know, with all of us today, that the more you take on and take responsibility for your own house, meaning your own life, and to get that in order, you open up the floodgates for how much your life can change. Yes, there are injustices. Yes, we can work towards and improve those injustices, but also there is a lot that we are responsible for in our own life that we can and should fix and be willing to fix those and to always remember as we do that, we can walk with God through that process. So, there you have it. Be on the lookout for the email. There will be an added bonus on Monday for the other half of this book. So have a wonderful rest of your week and I’ll see you on Monday. Thank you for listening. Please share, review, and subscribe to this podcast so that together we can live life on purpose.